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VolNick

How about a joke thread?

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A hunter in a gun shop asks to look at the most accurate rifle they have. They hand him a custom deluxe weatherby magnum with a S&B 5X25 scope on it. The salesclerk brags that if he looks out the store window with it and up the street 700 yards, he should be able to read the number sign on his house with it. The guy looks through the scope and says...all I see is a naked guy with your wife in the upstairs bedroom. The now pissed clerk hands him 2 rounds and says "If you shoot her head and his p*cker off, you get the scope for free". The guy sights in and then hands back one bullet and smiles..."I think I can do it with one shot".

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One evening this queer walks in the bathroom and catches his boyfriend standing in front of the mirror rubbing Vaseline on his chest. Queer says " What are you doing?" Boyfriend says "Vaseline makes your hair grow". Queer says " That's a damn lie, by now I should have a pony-tail hanging outta my ass"...

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Bubba and Leroy, 2 redneck boys from Jasper Alabama decided one day they needed to go to college. So early the next morning they got in Bubba's pickup truck and headed to Tuscaloosa. They enroll and sign up for classes and the counselor calls Bubba into his office. He says "Bubba I'm giving you mathematics 101, literature class, and logic class". Bubba thinks for a minute and ask's "that last one there, what is logic class"? The fella answers " let me tell you like this, do you own a weed eater"? Bubba says "sure I do". "OK, if you own a weed eater then I can logically assume you have a lawn and a house." "That's right says Bubba. "Well, if you own a weed eater, and you have a lawn and a house then I can logically assume you have a wife. " Yeah" says Bubba. "So if you have a weed eater, have a lawn, a house and a wife logically I can assume that you are a normal hertrosexual man". "Hell yeah" says Bubba, I like logic class already, sign me up." So the guy tells Bubba that they are finished, and he can go out and send Leroy in. Seeing Bubba come out Leroy asks him " what classes did they give ya"? Bubba tell's him "mathematics 101, literature class, and logic class". Leroy thinks for a minute and ask's Bubba, "that last one, what is logic class?" Bubba says, "well let me tell you like this, do you own a weed eater?" Leroy answers, "nope I do not own a weed eater". Bubba says "yer phucking queer ain't ya"...

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These 2 redneck boys Bubba and Leroy from Jasper Alabama decided one day to pitch in together and buy themselves a car. So they put their money together, and off to the car lot they go. Wasn't long before a salesman comes out, and shows them a $5000 car. Bubba and Leroy whisper at each other for a minute, and Leroy tells the salesman $5000 is more than they have to spend. So the salesman shows them a $2000 car. Bubba and Leroy whisper a minute, and Bubba tell's the salesman that $2000 is more than they have to spend. The salesman says "OK fellas, just how much money do you boys have?" Bubba and Leroy whisper for a minute and tell the salesman they have $500 to spend.

 

The salesman says, "well boys your not going to get much for $500 but I might just have something that will do". So he leads Bubba and Leroy out back behind the shop, and there tied to a fencepost is a camel. "Boys, that there is a genuine trained racing camel" says the salesman. "It's been trained to stop when it see's a redlite, and go when it turns green. That camel will take both of you anywhere you want to go, and I'll let you have him right now today for the low price of $500." Bubba and Leroy whisper for a minute, hand over the money, jump on the camel and off they go...

 

About a week later the salesman is driving thru town, stop's at a redlite, looks over and there sits Bubba and Leroy on the sidewalk. "Hey boys" he asks, " where's your camel?" They tell him "man we were just coming and going everywhere on that camel just like you said. It was great. Then just about an hour ago we pulled up and stopped at this redlite. 2 women walked across the street in front of us and one asked the other " Did you see them 2 assholes on that camel?" Then when we climbed off to look for ourselves the light turned green and that damn camel ran away"...

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Who is this Leroy guy?

 

Leroy and his wife were having hard financial times, so they decided

that she'd try being a hooker. She wasn’t quite sure what to do,

so Leroy said: "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.

Tell him you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions

and I'll be parked around the corner."

 

She stood outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg,

when a guy pulled up and asked: "How much?

 

"She said: "A hundred bucks."

 

He replied: "All I got is thirty."

 

She said: "Hold on," and ran back to Leroy and asked:

"What now . . . what can he get for thirty?"

 

"A hand job," Leroy replied.

 

So, she ran back and told the guy all he gets for thirty bucks

is a hand job.

 

He agreed and she got in the car. He unzipped his trousers

and out popped his HUGE WILLIE.

 

She stared at it for a few seconds, and then said:

"I'll be right back."

 

She ran back to Leroy.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

 

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks?"

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At the hospital one day a drop-dead gorgeous woman had a baby. Finishing up the Dr went to the waiting room to give the good news to the baby's father. Arriving the room was dark and looked empty. So he turned on the light, and after looking around the corner finally found a very old man sleeping in a chair. The Dr wakes him up and congratulates him on his daughter having the baby. The old man says "why thank you Sonny, but that ain't my daughter, she's my wife".

 

Speechless, the Dr finally asks him how it is that a man his age is physically able to make a young woman pregnant. The old man answers " Sonny, it ain't the making pregnant that's the problem. It's the getting on and getting off. I have 3 grown sons you know, and it takes 2 of them to get me on board, and then all 3 to get me back off". The Dr is like "I don't understand, why is 2 son's enough to get you on, but it takes 3 to get you off her"?

 

The old man says " Well sonny, you seen her. I fight like hell"....

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In town one night this pimp was walking down the sidewalk when he heard a noise coming out of an alley. So he goes to check it out and there's Batman jumping up and down on a manhole cover shouting "tin-tin-tin"...

 

The pimp ask's Batman what's he doing, and Batman stops and answers " having a real good time, would you like to try?". So the pimp steps on the manhole cover, starts jumping up and down shouting "tin-tin-tin".

After a few times Batman reaches over and Yanks the manhole cover off, and the pimp falls into the sewer. SMACK!

 

Batman puts the cover back on, and starts jumping up and down on it shouting "eleven-eleven-eleven"....

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What's the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The epileptic shucks between fits...

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What do you call Bruce Lee when his dad has diarrhea?

 

A slap happy jappy with a shit happy pappy...

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It's not just here, bad timing. The election thing, it's got everybody so pi$$ed off they ain't got no sense of humor. Meanwhile...

 

One day Michelle Obama was sitting her ignorant ass out on the back porch and seen a young boy come walking down the alley carrying a box. As if she wasn't able to just sit there and keep her mouth shut, she gets up and waddles across the yard and ask's the boy what's in the box. "Puppies" says the boy, and "Oh Shit!" says Michelle, so they spend the next couple minutes playing with the puppies.

 

Then, that stupid bitch ended up being a pain in the ass by asking if the puppies were Republicans or Democrats? "Democrats" says the boy, and "f**k Yeah!" says Michelle, and the boy goes on off down the alley.

 

About a month later Michelle was out on the back porch trying to talk Obama into giving her a blowjob, when down the alley came the little boy with a bunch of puppies running all up and in-under his feet. "Son of a Bitch!" says Michelle when Obama gets up off his knees and off across the back yard like his ass ain't f**ked some shit up enough already. So then, they all spend the next couple minutes playing with the puppies.

 

Obama's wide-eyed and watching one of the puppies take a dump when he asks if they was still Democrats. Then he shit a little turd himself when the boy says "Hell no, not since they opened their eyes"...

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So, I walk into this barroom in New Orleans one nite. Crowed as hell, didn't think I was gonna find a seat. Found one tho, right across the table from the meanest looking fucker I ever seen. Bought him a beer, and we started talking. Wasn't too long before the conversation came around to family.

 

"You know I'm single now" he said "but I've been married 3 times, and all my ex-wives are dead". " No shit" says me "what happened"? He paused for a minute and says "the first two were poisoned, and the third one got beat to death".

 

"No shit" says me, "beat to death? How did that happen"? He looked at me for a minute and says "the Bitch wouldn't take the poison"...

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So, one nite in New Orleans I walk into this barroom. Crowded as hell, I didn't think I would find a seat. Finally did tho, right across the table from the biggest fucker I ever seen. So I bought him a beer, and we got to talking. All the while I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Finally I figured it out. The dude was huge, Andre the Giant kind of huge. But it was his head, his head was really small, really out of proportion. About like a cantelope, weird looking...

 

I was sitting there looking at his head, and suddenly he surprised me by saying "your looking at my head ain't ya"

 

So, I'm like "umm yeah"... So he starts telling me this story about being on a ship bound for Australia. One night in the middle of the South Pacific Ocean he's on deck by himself and fell overboard. Luckily, he finds a piece of driftwood and floats on it for 2 days and nights and finally comes upon this little island.

 

So he's on the island for a couple month's, when one day he finds a bottle half buried in the sand. Pick's it up and wipes it off, and suddenly smoke starts coming out of the bottle. And then, lo and behold a beautiful, drop dead gorgeous woman genie comes walking out of the smoke and tells him she will grant him 3 wish's for freeing her from the bottle.

 

Well, he's like "really?" and she's like "Yeah". So he thinks for a minute, and says" I want to be the strongest man in the world". She tells him "OK, I can do that", and POW. Just that quick muscles and muscled up, muscled down, tall and long legged, broad shouldered, lean and mean.

 

She's still standing there, and he says " Now I want to be back home in New Orleans". "OK" she says "I can do that". And BLAM.. There he was right downtown New Orleans, corner of Bourbon Street and Canal, Voodoo Festival weekend. And she's right there, right next to him.

 

Then he tells her "For my last wish I want you to give me a piece of ass". She says " oh, sorry. I can't do that". So he says "OK then, how about a little head"..?

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A teenage boy was

delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a

stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to

the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young

woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they

talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had

nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to

maintain eye contact.

 

After a few minutes,

she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my

apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her

apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,

allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Now nude, she purred

at him, “What would you say is my

best feature?"

 

Flustered and

embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It has to be

your ears."

 

Astounded, and a

little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they

are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out everyday and

my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at

my skin – not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that

the best part of my body is my

ears?"

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered...

"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was

me."

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What does a roll of toilet paper have in common with the Starship Enterprise?

.

.

 

Both of them fly by Uranus and wipe out Cling-on's.

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One night two drunks were staggering down the railroad tracks. One says "Man, this is the longest stairway I've ever been on".

 

The other drunk says, "I know it, and damn this low-assed handrail.

 

 

One night these two drunks were sitting out in the alley. One says " Man, I porked my wife before we was married, did you?

 

The other drunk thinks for a minute and says "I don't know, what's she look like"?

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Coffee with Jesus

 

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes!"

 

So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

 

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

 

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

 

The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!"

 

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

 

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

 

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.

 

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.

 

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat.

 

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability."

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

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How many queers does it take to screw in a lightbulb..?

.

.

.

Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room staff to get it back out.

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Barrak Obama and Donald Trump were walking down the street one night and came upon a strip joint. Obama says "Hey man, lets run in here and check out the action". Trumps tells him "Hell no, I can't go home to my wife smelling like the inside of a whorehouse". Obama says "I don't have that problem, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like"...

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